Fourth Grade Daughter Bullied at School

My daughter has been distraught all vacation. Apparently things are getting pretty bad with the girls in her class. Yes, she is my only child, and this is only Fourth Grade. Rest assured, I know this is not the end of the world, and I was a girl once too. Christmas really was ruined this year from all the emotions and fear of returning to school with this. Normally I would think of a joke, but she sort of has me worried. OK, should I stay out of it and have her learn to do it herself, help, or go find all of their parents and threaten restraining orders? I would have to say, right off the bat, the restraining orders might be a bit much, but I think you are (partly) kidding on that one anyway. Your best bet is to combine your first two options: teach your daughter what to do for herself and help as well. She needs time at home to release feelings she may have been hiding, and she needs you to listen. Do not let the dialog go on that she is ruining Christmas. She is sad, asking for help, describing what is happening, and now it is time to gear back up for school and how to handle this mess. Because her feelings are this extreme, you have to help. Encourage her to talk, and help her whittle the situation down to some key details. Log the details down together to cut down on extraneous factors to lessen the drama. Once you have the key facts that are bothering her, look through and decide which are in her control and which are not. Some things, and some people, she will never be able to change. She can only help herself, make good decisions on whom she will be friends with, and learn to make herself happy when with her peers. The school should probably be involved at this point as well. You should ask the teacher for a conference and bring your daughter. Teachers really can help shut down a lot of the drama if they know about it. We are with the kids every day and if they are trying out some bullying when we aren’t looking, which is usually when it happens, and we start to get reports every time it happens, it happens less. No child should be depressed, but sometimes kids’ emotions get the best of them. If this sadness continues, even after you and her teacher help her, talk to her pediatrician as well. Perhaps I am making this bigger than it needs to be as well, and if you sense this, you can rest assured that this does happen, but kids learn how to manage it. Talk, listen, and watch her if she remains too emotional. You cannot be on the playground with her, so you have to help her decide what to say, when to walk away, and above all how to recognize those kids who are trying to be mean and hurtful so she can avoid them. Motherly instincts are powerful, so keep yours tuned in and listen to them. You will know what to do. Contact the writer at goasktheteacher@yahoo.com

Stay Home Mom not Watching her Own Child

Comments written by a reader: I’ll have you know my child loves going to preschool, and I send her from 8 to 530 all summer long, even though I am home. I think she will benefit from it, and I do enjoy the time to myself. I still think my child is a ‘gift’ and I do not think I am escaping my responsibilities by finding somewhere for her to go that she likes.

Every parent is different. I would not send a child to preschool all day every day for this long if I were home, yet if I was working I would work to find somewhere my child enjoyed to spend his time. There are great programs all over.

My mom worked 2, sometimes 3 or 4 jobs at a time while I was little. I went to after school programs, babysitters, or whatever my mom arranged, and I was fine. I knew she needed to work for us. Kids adjust to all kinds of situations and we should find places where they will learn and grow as they mature. But, if you are home and not watching your child, then I think that is sad. The program you found may be best since they will welcome her in each day. You will not get this time back, however, and just because there is somewhere for her to go, that does not mean she should leave.

I Really Don't Like My Child's Principal

I have two children in a public elementary school. It is one of the top schools in the area. Our school draws from many wealthy areas and many of the families at our school have the option to send their children to private school. Houses in our neighborhood are sold at a premium because of our elementary school. We chose to move here in order to send our kids to this school.
Our principal has been at our school for a few years. She is not popular among the parents or the teachers. She treats the parents as meddling nuisances rather than a resource. In meetings between our principal and prospective parents, parents come excited to attend the school and leave considering other options.
Our parents do expect to have power within the school and get ruffled pretty easily. Many of the mothers do not work outside the home and the school is flooded with volunteers on a daily basis, even the dads help out. However, if our school remains strong, I think it may be in spite of our principal. Most of the teachers are fabulous and we have some wonderful individuals in administrative positions.
After a few years with my children at this school, I wonder if I just expect too much of our public school. If you decide to send children to a public school, are you just at the whim of the principal, the school board and the superintendent of schools? Sometimes I wonder if I am just not cut out for the public school environment. Am I too uptight to be a public school parent?
Even with her rough exterior, this principal is running a school that you enjoy. You do not have to like her, and remember that you may not like everyone at a private school either.
If you pay for private school it does not necessarily give you a louder voice. Parents often feel more at liberty to say things in a private school, but hiring decisions are made by the school and parents are often told to leave private schools if they are unhappy with the people they have working there. It can be the same with public schools. You have a voice and the school and district will listen, but they have to run their schools. So you may not like the principal, but you do like the school and she is running it. Find peace with the fact that you just do not communicate the same. You do not have to be her friend. That does not mean she does not have strengths. On the other hand, if she is doing something wrong or harmful, report her.
It sounds like she is blunt, perhaps too much so, and she is managing a group of parents that are very involved and may want to run the school. So she may be putting up a front to keep the parents at arm's distance so that all the kids, even those with less involved parents, get access to an education.
Ask yourself this: why move to an area just for the schools, enjoy the schools, send your children there and watch them receive a quality education and then worry too much about how friendly the principal behaves?

Cutting the school year 5 days short?!!?

What is up with this idea to cut the school year 5 days short? This is outrageous. I know, 'let's just let them out early, who cares, it's only the end of the year, they aren't doing anything then anyway.' What a better way to send the message, 'school really isn't that important to us in California, but please move here because it is so desirable.'

I am curious how this will play out. Cutting the school year will save a great amount of money. I was surprised how much it will save, $1.1 billion. If we are sure there will be cuts to schools, if the government really is about to run out of money, then cuts have to come some way. I get the impression that it is going to happen, but I doubt we will be posting it on any ads for our state. You have a good point.

Failing High School Students

Be careful when advising people to simply "blame" their kid’s problems on "learning problems". My kids is having much of the same issues [as the mom in your column last week], he's the same age and grade. But I see it as my lack of involvement is the real problem.

People have suggested that my son may have some learning problems, but I know this is nonsense due to his complete ability to do other things in life that "he wants to". He can operate a computer in the dark, if he needs to find the latest clothes or the latest skateboard, he has no "problem" then. My kid can do anything he wants when it is in "his" favor.

I suggest you tell that lady to be more active in the learning process, and not buy into the "learning problem” thing. Ask her if her kid gets things done when it's in the kid’s best interest? I bet you her kid has no problem then! Kids aren't dumb either. They pick up on this "learning problem" thing and use it as an excuse. One more sign that kids are "smart."

You make an excellent point and I thought I was clear last week. Last week, my words were, “If a child fails, it is an indication of either a learning problem or an active attempt to do nothing.” You have to rule out the learning problem because there are parents out there looking for excuses. Once you take away the excuse, you make more progress.

There are good parents out there with rules, expectations, and an understanding of their own children, yet their children are still failing. You sound like one of these parents. You have your child’s number, and you are not giving him wiggle room; yet he is not performing. There has to be a constant pursuit for change. Your child, and all children, cannot be allowed to fail. Failing an assignment is much different than failing a class. You cannot let a child flounder for whole semesters or years and still say they are learning from this method. I hope your child has no computer, fashionable clothes, or skateboards to turn to while he is turning away from books. Also (and this comes back to giving an excuse to kids, so you might not want to show him this comment), if your child excels at hands-on technical experiences but is not reading or writing on grade level, there can be learning deficits that should be explored. This does not mean that he should get away with it. His interests may have helped him build skills in one area while ignoring another, but he still needs to read and write. We all need that skill. If he needs remediation, find it for him while he is still in school.